The Dumbass’s Guide to Getting into Shape

One of the most popular new year’s resolutions for men and women alike is to lose weight and get in shape. Usually that motivation dies a pretty quick death right around the end of January when the excuses start to fly and the man-boobs start to pop out again, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Deciding to start an exercise routine can feel like staring up at the summit of a mountain you’re about to climb. The trick is to start with small steps that will help you achieve your overall goal.

Let me first note that (obviously) this guide is in no way written or endorsed by health professionals. You should always consult a physician before beginning any kind of exercise regimen and be smart when dieting.

Grin and Diet

When people decide they need to lose weight, the first thing that comes to mind is going on a diet. While it’s not a bad idea, my experience has shown me that a simple “diet” is one of the least effective long-term ways of losing weight. You deny yourself the things you like to eat the most for a set period of time, you can’t wait to be finished with your diet and then once you’ve reached the end of that time period, you binge on the things you’ve been craving. How is that an effective way to stay in shape?

Instead of becoming your own food Nazi, just try to make better choices. You can still have wings and burgers, but balance them out with a salad or grilled chicken. Get a baked potato instead of fries occasionally. You won’t see results as quickly as you would by starving yourself, but you’ll also be happier and you’ll be able to stick with it for the long haul.

Work it

The best thing you can do to get that fat ass into shape is start exercising. The pros always say it only takes about 20 minutes of good cardiovascular exercise three times a week to maintain a healthy weight. When you stop and think about it, that’s only an hour out of your whole week. Who doesn’t have a single hour to spare out of an entire week? It’s easy to make excuses when you’re working a job, have a girlfriend/XBox and friends that want to meet at the bar for a few rounds of car bombs. When it comes down to it though, you have to make the decision that your health is important to you and devote the time to it.

If you happen to have access to a gym, the best way to get in and out quickly but still get an effective workout is to hit the stationary bike. I like to set it to a constant heart rate program for 20-30 minutes. Make sure you grab a bike that’s in front of a TV, or at least bring an iPod or a book with you. If you find yourself with some extra time, go experiment with some of the weight machines. Lean muscle burns fat so it’s a good idea to do what you can to keep it from turning to flab. Just be smart about it and don’t try to lift too much.

A big plus to being at the gym is the potential for meeting pretty girls. If they’re there, chances are they’re in pretty good shape. You could even try to get into a yoga class at your local gym. Chicks dig yoga.

The best part of exercising (when done properly) is that you can still eat pretty much whatever you want and know that you’ll burn it off at the gym (within reason, of course).

Lighten Up

As a dude, you’re pretty much expected to be able drink your weight in beer so you might feel obligated to practice as much as possible. At least that’s my excuse. The problem is, those calories and carbs add up pretty quickly and they all seem to collect around the midsection. The logical thing to do is to stop drinking beer, but how long can that last? It’s the same principle as going on a diet. Eventually you’ll go back to it and you’ll want to binge because you’ve been denied it for so long.

The best solution to shave off some lbs’s while still enjoying your favorite drinking games is to switch to light beer. Don’t worry what the other dudes will say. Pretty soon you’ll be picking up all the ladies with your washboard abs while they’re too busy trying to get their pants buttoned. If you’ve got expensive taste and can’t stand the light domestic stuff, just try to limit your intake.

Non-Video Games

You have friends, right? If not, sorry. If you’re one of the lucky ones that has a group of dudes (or preferably chicks) to hang out with, try getting competitive with some strenuous activity. If you can find a basketball or tennis court near you, challenge your buds to a game. If you have access to a big field, get a soccer ball or a football and start up some games. There are even local organizations that host flag-football leagues. Remember that gym we talked about? There might be a racquetball court there that you could use. All of these activities will provide a hell of a cardiovascular workout and create plenty of opportunities to school your friends and win some bets.

That’s all I’ve got. Hopefully you found something in there that you can apply to your own routine. Always remember, fitness is not a destination, it’s a journey. I didn’t make that up and I forget who said it, but it’s one of those Jedi things you’ll always remember.