Anatomy of a Bitchface

(Unfortunately, the bitches we’re dealing with here are not near as cute as the one in the picture.)

There are many things to watch out for while cruisin’ for chicks. Obviously you want to pay attention to how a girl dresses. That will tell you quite a bit about what kind of girl she is. But there’s something far more important to look at before making your move. Something that could tell you immediately that this girl will make your life a living hell: her face. It can be very subtle, but there are certain qualities that a girl’s face can have that will tell you, “I am absolutely insane for absolutely no reason.” These qualities add up to create what’s known as a “Bitchface.”

Let’s take this opportunity to dissect a few famous examples of these “bitchfaces” to determine what we should watch out for.

Posh Spice herself, Victoria Beckham, has one of the most perfect examples of this phenomenon. Her gaze is reminiscent of Medusa…look her in the eyes and you’ll turn to stone. Also, notice the slightly up-turned nose. It’s a mechanism that will tell you from across the room that this girl has absolutely no interest in talking to you.

As much as I like Eliza Dushku, she has the look of a serious bitch. No matter what expression she wears on her face, be it happiness, fear, sadness, etc., she still looks like she hates your very existence. I’m sure she’s a very nice girl, but I wouldn’t approach her for fear of being slapped.

Julia Stiles pretty much always has the same expression on her face…and that expression seems to say, “Why won’t you buy me that? I really want it. Buy it for me now! NOW!” Whoa I just freaked myself out a little…

Notice Eva Mendes’ eyebrows. See their shape? They’re in a perpetual down-turned state, reflecting the overall negativity and blackness of her soul. I’m just kidding…she’s probably a very nice lady. But those eyebrows, coupled with her beady eyes, will burn your dignity into a pile of ashes if you so much as think about approaching her.

A chick like Rose McGowan can be tricky. You probably don’t even know what her face looks like because your eyes are automatically drawn to her boobs. That’s her tactic. A girl like that will hang them out there in order to shift your attention away from her face so that you are clueless until, before you know it, she’s got all your money and your youth is long gone.

Beware of any girl who wears sunglasses big enough to cover 90% of her face. What’s hiding beneath those shades is sure to scare the crap out of you…especially when it happens to be Nicole Richie’s face. Terrifying…

Hopefully this lesson has instilled in you a respect for the subtleties of the bitchface. This list is not absolute, though. Research on the topic is ongoing and developments are made often. Can you come up with other qualities and examples?